


Dear journal

by destielgivesmethefeels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Charlie Lives, Charlie Ships It, Depression, Destiel Fluff, Diary, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Journal, M/M, POV Castiel, POV First Person, Teenage Castiel/Teenage Dean Winchester, again doesn't really have much fluff, just cas talking about his life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 08:20:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10805346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielgivesmethefeels/pseuds/destielgivesmethefeels
Summary: A journey into the mind of a teenage boy, Castiel.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys as I've promised I'm back again with something for you before I disappear again.  
> So this is a first person point of view fic, and I know a lot of people don't really like that. But I've just finished The perks of being a wallflower, and I really like the book and how it was written, so here is my try at that kind of writing and layout.  
> I also recently learned about something that my teacher called 'democracy in literature'. Basically it's when the writer doesn't go into too much details and leave spaces for the readers to create their own version of the story. So I'm also trying that out.  
> Oh this is my first time writing a multi-chapter fic too. I could have done it with my previous ones but this seems more appropriate to do so.  
> Again there may be some mistakes, so tell me if you find any.  
> SOOOOooooo if that interests you then please give it a try, and leave a comment to tell me your interpretation of the story, I would love to hear them.  
> Love you guys !!!!!!!!!! <3  
> Enjoy!

**_October 21 st 2016_ **

****

Dear journal,

 

I don’t know why people start with that. Perhaps, it is because we are humans, and humans tend to enjoy company even when it is fictitious. And I guess the idea that there is someone there for you, someone you trust enough to confide in is a rather comforting one. I know that lonesomeness can be overbearing at times. But since I don’t know how to start otherwise, I’ll stick with the traditional opening

 

This is my first time writing a journal. I have never really thought about this before, but yesterday Dr. Singer advised me to partake in this activity and try to make it into a habit. He said that it would be a great way for me to express myself and deal with whatever troubling thoughts that I may have. But already I feel quite awkward that I’m talking with you about yourself. But then again, you’re an inanimate object whose persona I projected into, so I guess that feeling is only in my head.

 

Dr. Singer is a very nice person though. His look doesn’t resemble a typical doctor, neither does the way his talk. Everything about him seems rather rugged, but in a good way. I don’t mind it in the slightest. Actually, it is kind of oddly endearing. He insists on being called Bobby, but I think that would be degrading to him. After all, he has worked very hard for years to earn a doctorate status. It’s the least I can do to show him some respect for his academic endeavor. And he is very competent at his job too, from what I’ve seen since I started seeing him in August.

 

Oh right, we recently moved to Lawrence, Kansas. It’s a bit less crowded than New York, and everything seems to move slower here. It’s all just very tranquil and different. I miss my old home sometimes. The never ending rows of streetlights and billboards, the chaotic symphony of shouts, cheers, car engines and sirens, the hastened pace of life, how people never seem to stop or rest. It was all I knew since the day I was born. But I understand why my parents decided to move, especially after my incident. I don’t blame them for taking me away from what I have grown familiar to. And to tell you the truth, life here isn’t too bad. I think I will learn to accustom myself to this place over time.

 

I think that is all I have to say for now. If anything comes up, I’ll tell you.

 

Today was a good day.


	2. Chapter 2

**_October 30 th 2016_ **

 

Dear journal,

 

I’m back again. I know I haven’t written in a week but it is sometimes very difficult for me to articulate and I often can’t find the energy to upkeep a habit. Maybe that’s why I don’t have any hobbies. I asked Dr. Singer about it though, he said it was completely fine if it felt like too much an effort for me to keep a daily journal or even a weekly one. All I have to do is to write whenever I want to.

 

And he also added, “Son, you’d better call me Bobby, alright? I ain’t one of those idjits sittin’ in some fancy office in a leather chair that cost more than my rent. I’m here to help you with all that I have. And I don’t wanna just be some stranger you see once every three day and awkwardly talk to. You understand boy?”

 

I told him I would think about it and he smiled at me. But not in a condescending way, in a nice way. His smile is very contagious, too. I often find myself smiling back at him whenever he does so.

 

It felt odd at first as I hadn’t done it in a while, and my muscles had seemingly forgotten how to. Gradually, however, it started to get easier. Now I’m smiling around my parents again, sometimes at my dad’s somewhat dull jokes, or just when my mom strokes my hair. It seems to please them very much. The first time I did it, both of them hugged me for a long time and whispered a lot of things in my ears. Most of it was just about how much they loved me. I am very much glad they still feel that way.

 

I don’t smile when I’m at school though. There are a lot of people there and it is too difficult for me. I asked Dr. Singer about this too. He told me that I should take things at my own pace and be patient with myself. He seems like a really wise man, doesn’t he?

 

Speaking of school, it is why I’m writing right now. When we moved here, it was around the time that school started but my parents and Dr. Singer told me that I should stay at home for a bit longer, so I did. I always enjoy a day off. Unfortunately, that means I was going to start school later than other students, one month to be exact, and would have to endure the life of “the new kid”. To be honest with you, I don’t really mind it much. Making friends is more difficult since everyone has already got someone to be friends with by the time I started school. But I rarely think of it. I find the solitude is rather relaxing. I don’t have to interact much, except for the basic formalities.

 

Today, however, I made a friend. Her name is Charlie Bradbury. And her hair is very red. I first saw her when I was sitting in the hallway, drawing wings, a fascination of mine since what happened. She was wearing cargo pants, and a red plaid shirt, which she had on over a Star Wars T-shirt. She smiled and waved at me when she spotted me staring at her, but I didn’t wave back because her hair is really, really red.

 

I didn’t mean to befriend her, but she approached me first and appeared to be very adamant about it. During lunchtime, she came to the spot where I saw her this morning, which is also where I eat lunch because the cafeteria is too crowded for me. She didn’t say anything, just sat there and ate her grilled chicken caesar salad in silence. When we both had finished with our food, she smiled at me and told me that it had been the best lunch she had ever had, and that she thought having to talk as well as eat at the same time was too much work, to which I nodded in agreement.

 

She then asked for my name, and complemented it when I told her, saying that it was a very unique name. I didn’t understand why she thought so, but I only said thank and that I liked her name too, because I read somewhere that it is expected for complements to be returned. She seemed very pleased at that as her smile became much brighter.

 

When she finally got off the ground, she put out a hand to help me up. “You and I are going to be best friends, Castiel”, she excitedly proclaimed. I didn’t deny the offer, because it didn’t seem like much of one, and I didn’t mind having a friend at school. After all, it is good to have one after such a long time being alone.

 

She walked with me to my remaining classes of the day, and it turned out we had mathematics, and English together. At the end of the day, Charlie drove me home in her Honda. On the way, she told me a lot more about herself. I learned that she moved here because her parents have to frequently move around a lot for their jobs, and this is her third high school. But she said that she would be here for the rest of the school year, which was nice to know because I was hoping to have a friend at least until graduation.

 

As we pulled over to my front lawn, my dad must have seen me from inside the house, because he came out to stand on the porch, supposedly to she who I was with. He has become much more protective of me since New York. But when he saw that I was a girl, his posture noticeably relaxed, and he walked towards the car, to hug me and shake hands with Charlie. He seemed to be very pleased that I finally had a friend. When he told my mom about Charlie, she hugged me in a way that I knew she was smiling. It was very relieving in a sense to know that mom was genuinely smiling again.

 

Today was an interesting day.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**_November 11 th 2016_ **

****

Dear journal,

 

It turned out Charlie really meant what she said about being my best friend. When I arrived at school the day after we met, she was standing at the school gate and greeted me very loudly with a tight hug. It attracted the attention of other people, which I didn’t like, but it didn’t really matter because before long she was dragging me to my locker, talking non-stop along the way.

 

Ever since, this has become a custom of ours. I would get off the bus, Charlie would cause a scene saying hello, and then we would walk to my locker, with her babbling on. I don’t really mind it, because her stories are very fascination, although they may be a bit inappropriate sometimes. I still remember that time when she told me about ‘her time of the month’. It had me red-faced for the rest of the day whenever I saw her.

 

But Charlie’s stories have also given me insights into her life. I know that she enjoys something called live action role-playing, and that she has already made a group of new friends at our school through larping, as she called it. She also met someone special through it too, a girl named Dorothy, who she said was a ‘closeted case’. But she told me she was confident that Dorothy liked her back, too. I hope that they get together because, judging from the way Charlie sighed when she was done telling me about Dorothy, her feelings were very much sincere.

 

During lunchtime today, Charlie came to my lunch spot again, but not to join me there. She told me that she wanted to introduce me to her other friends. I didn’t want to go at first because I knew that meant having to interact with them. But I remembered that Dr. Singer suggested that I should expand my social circle, after he told me he was proud of me for being friends with Charlie. I didn’t want to disappoint Bobby (I figure I should call him that by now), or my parents, so I stood up, collected my stuff, and followed Charlie until we reached the football field.

 

Sitting on the bleacher on the left of the field were a girl in a brown leather jacket with her hair hanging low in a bun, a boy with a lollipop in his mouth, laughing along with another boy, who is very tall and has neck-length hair. But there was one particular person who caught my attention. He was leaning against the metal handrail of the bleacher, wearing a black biker jacket and army boots. He kept his eyes firmly on me, as Charlie and I crossed the field. His stare made me feel nervous, but not in an uneasy way. It caused my heart to beat very fast, my feet to feel light, and my eyes to stay locked with his.

 

When we finally reached the group, Charlie introduced me to Dorothy who smiled and waved at me, Gabriel who offered me a butterscotch from his pocket, Sam who extended his hand downwards for me to shake as he towered over me, and lastly Dean whose eyes were still on me. He simply nodded, and asked me what my name was.

 

The question was simple enough, but the way he said it, with how his warm voice seemed to reverberate in my body made it difficult to answer. Finally, I was able to pronounce my name, after two failed trials where the word refused to leave my lips.

 

Dean simply nodded, and raised his brows in what I assumed was surprise at my admittedly rare name.

 

“Castiel… Hmm, I like it,” Dean said, accompanying his complement with a wink.

 

It sent a wave of heat to creep up my cheeks. Not wanting to embarrass myself with my undoubtedly flushed cheeks, I ducked my head. The attempt was futile, however, as all of them started to coo at me. The candy guy, Gabriel, even slung his arm around my shoulder and lightly pinched my cheek as he mused, “Aw he’s so adorable. Can I keep him, Charlie?”

 

I didn’t mind the contact, though, because I knew he was just being friendly. But the tall guy, Sam, seemed to be a bit uncomfortable, clearing his throat loudly, all the while eyeing Gabriel with the slightest bit of irritation. Having noticed him, Gabriel smiled even wider, “Oh c’mon Moose, just relax, will ya? You have nothing to worry,” and proceeded to slap Sam’s butt, which made the others laugh loudly.

 

Overall, the lunch was very fun, there were a lot of jokes and they laughed a lot. But I’m not sure what they were talking about, because I was busy. Dean’s face has freckles all over, and I found them very pleasing to look at. They looked like stars on a night sky, and they formed very interesting shapes too. I am sure that at one point I managed to draw a kitten with his freckles. I kept staring at them until I caught Dean’s eyes staring back at me, bemusedly. I didn’t turn away, because now I was admiring his eyes. And they were nothing short of stunning. Their green was beyond my capability to describe them, and I don’t know how but they seemed to shine with their own source of light.

 

When lunch was over, I spent most of the time in the remaining classes just thinking about how green Dean’s eyes were, and how it was possible. I probably shouldn’t have done that, because calculus is getting much more difficult and Mrs. Geller said that there would be a test on today’s lesson. But I couldn’t help myself. Somehow, all of my efforts to concentrate in class came to nothing, as Dean’s eyes, his freckles and his voice just crept back into my mind as soon as I tried to forget them. Maybe, I will ask Bobby about it in our next meeting.

 

At the end of the day, I walked towards Charlie’s parking spot as usual, because she had insisted that she drive me home everyday to spend more time with me, which I very much appreciated. But today, as I approached the car, where Charlie and who I soon realized Dorothy was standing, she ran towards me the moment she spotted me.

 

“Hey, dude. Listen, I know that I always take you home, and please don’t be mad at me. But Dorothy just asked me to drive her, and you know how I feel about her. So please forgive me, but I can’t you home today. On the bright side though, I’ve asked Dean to drive you home instead. Is that okay with you?” Charlie said, miraculously in one single breath, her hands holding mine tightly.

 

When I nodded, she let out a sigh of relief, threw her arms around me to pull me in for a hug. She then ran back to her car and jumped in with Dorothy. I suddenly realized that I forgot to ask her where Dean’s car was, but before I could walk up to Charlie, a familiar voice came from behind.

 

“Lucky girl, isn’t she?”

 

Turning around, I was faced with Dean who was standing with his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He looked at me with those mesmerizing eyes again, and that caused my mind to become vacant of words once more.

 

“We should go now, shouldn’t we? C’mon.” Dean said, already walking supposedly to where his car was.

 

I promptly followed him to an old, but very nice car with slick black paint.

 

“A beauty, isn’t she? 67 Impala, a classic American car.” Dean said proudly, opening the door to the driver seat.

 

I also quickly opened the door and climbed onto the back. It was only then that I noticed that Sam was also in the car, sitting in the front with Dean. He must have noticed me, because he soon put down the book he was reading and turned around to greet me.

 

“Oh hey, Castiel. You joining us today, huh?”

 

As we pulled out of the school’s parking lot, and went in the direction that I had given Dean, it was Sam that did most the talking, Dean only chimed in every now and then with some witty comments. I learned that they were actually brothers, and they have lived here all their life. Their mother had unfortunately passed away because of a freak accident, and their father was always on business trips so they mostly just depended on each other. I think that was something very sweet to witness, a brotherhood that had been reinforced over the years, seemingly unbreakable.

 

During the whole ride, I could feel Dean eyeing me through the rear-view mirror, but I didn’t turn to look at him because I didn’t want to risk being lost in his eyes. I don’t know why he was staring at me. I hope he didn’t find me annoying because I’m starting to like his company very much.

 

When we reached my house, I reached to open the door, but before I could Dean had done it for me, one hand still hidden in his jacket, a faint smile on his lips. I quietly thanked him and bit a goodbye to both of them. Sam waved at me and presumed to read the discarded book on this lap. Dean, however, didn’t get back into the car. He simply closed the door and turned around to walk towards my front porch. But he quickly came to a halt as he saw me still standing there, curious as to what he was doing.

 

“What? I got you this far. Might as well finish the job properly, right?” Dean said matter-of-a-fact-ly, hands raised in defense.

 

When I nodded, he put his hands back into his jacket and followed me to the door. When I opened it, my dad was already standing their, his arms crossed over his chest and a stern look on his face. Dean’s step faltered as soon as he saw him, stopping dead at the doorframe. It was understandable, my dad can be intimidating at times. But he is a very nice and gentle person at the heart.

 

Having said goodbye to Dean once again, I walked in and gave my dad a hug, which his posture visibly relax. But as soon as I let go, he resumed his previous position, stoically eyeing at Dean.

 

“Uh… Hello, sir. My name is Dean Winchester. It is my pleasure to meet you, Mr…” Dean stuttered baffledly. I have to admit, it was quite amusing to see Dean like that.

“Mr. Novak,” Dad replied, still threatening him with his look.

 

“Yes, sir. Again sir, it has been a pleasure. But I have to go now” Dean rushed out his words. When he turned to me, probably with the intention to say goodbye, my dad cleared his throat loudly, which startled Dean.

 

“Yes, sir. Goodbye, sir.” Dean said stiffly, as if he was in the military and my dad was his captain, and quickly walked back to his Impala, started the engine and sped off.

 

It was only then that me dad seemed to be pleased and returned to his normal laid-back self.

 

Today was a fun day.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know I haven't updated this in a while but I'm having some serious writer's block right now so please if you have any suggestion at all leave it in the comment.


End file.
